It

I am not someone who is loved…

That’s it. 

The phrase that haunts my darkest nightmares

Fuels my deepest sorrows

The statement of perceived truth I try to hide from all the world 

When you look in my eyes and I rapidly blink and look away

Its to hide the fact 

That I

I this broken down

Remnant of a heart 

Am unlovable 

I am not someone who is loved. 

One Word

Why?

I need to know why

That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why

Why did that happen?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Why can’t I not be a statistic?

Why, why, why?

Why did you leave?

Why do you love me?

Why do you see good in me?

Why, why, why?

This one word consumes my brain constantly 

I can never escape it

When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?

I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against. 

Slowly it erodes away my sanity

Pedestal

You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”

I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for. 

I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them. 

Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you. 

You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you. 

I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why. 

A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely. 

I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth. 

I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace. 

Why?

Why do you love me,

trust me,

insist there is goodness inside of me?

Why don’t you give up on,

abandon,

say “you’re not worth it” to me?

Why do you open up your heart,

your home,

your life to me?

Why do you think I’m worthy?

Help Me

I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.

Gentle Joy

Some giants are pint-sized

Some warriors are wounded and worn

Some intellectuals have the largest hearts

I’m realizing that you more than caught me by surprise 2 years ago

You surprise me everyday

I tell you you’re incredible

That you’re amazing

Try to express how insanely much you mean to me

I don’t know if you truly realize all that you are

But I will tell you this…

You’ve saved me more than once

Loved me when no one else would

Held me as I shattered apart

and gently put me back together

Over and over again you speak hope and light into my deepest darkness

You are the strongest, bravest, biggest person I know

and I can honestly say I’d be lost without you

 

Motion

Forever in motion

continuously changing

you think you have me pegged

all figured out, from head to toe

there’s no way

because every morning I wake up

having no idea who I truly am

you don’t “know” me

because I don’t even know me

so stop thinking you have all my answers

and let me learn all my layers

of complexity on my own.

I’m forever in motion,

stop confining me.

Okay?

On edge
spinning out of control
heart racing
so hard to breathe
can anything pull me back from the brink?
slowly losing my mind
hope ebbs
strength recedes
I’m losing me
but is that okay?

Shambles

Realizing I’m breaking

in new places

deeper ways than ever before

the core of me: rattles, shakes, splits

I am but dust amongst broken remnants

all of me swirls

in a rage

a torment

of feelings

definitions

I don’t know how to make sense of anything

I don’t know who I am anymore

I don’t know anything

lost in my own shambles

Together

Two words uttered from your lips

“I’m leaving”

my breath hitched in my chest

words rushed through my mind

an endless swirl of “no’s,” “don’t go,” and “please don’t leave.”

I hear my self say

“I won’t talk you into staying

I’ve done that 4 other times

I want you to be happy, healthy

and if here isn’t safe anymore – I won’t talk you into staying.”

I want you happy,

I want you healthy,

Even if that isn’t here,

Even if that isn’t with me

I went home

after hearing your heart,

your truth,

your reality

I sat on the edge of my bed

and watched as tears stained my jeans

You made a statement,

“Now I know what you feel”

My heart broke completely

I don’t want you to know what I feel

not with this

If I could save you from this

dear God I would

I’d take all that pain

all that angst away

I don’t want you to feel this

to struggle with this

but the reality is that you are

life isn’t perfect

as beautiful, gentle, and good-hearted as you are

you find yourself stuck and in a dark place

So where do we go from here?

We go forward

however slowly

one day

one moment

one breath

one second

one heartbeat

together

you’re never alone in this journey

I’m right here with you

I’ll make you a deal

I will stay in this game called life

if you will too

Together

We’ll conquer life

I’m always in your corner

a support,

a safe place,

a heart always toward you