Without You

I’ve sat here for hours
trying to find words
that will somehow say everything
contained within my heart

I never saw this coming
My world without you
Everyday brings new aches and pains
Each memory turned bittersweet

Holidays and birthdays
that should have been spent together
are now heart rending reminders
that life is not how it should be

Those around me
express their concern, love, support
as much as I know they care
it doesn’t stop me from falling apart
The ache doesn’t release nor ease
My heartbreak is my own burden
even in the midst of a thousand vows of love

Words fail me
my heart is a blackhole
a void exists in my soul
and every moment I am unquestionably aware
that my chest aches anew with each breath

I can’t help but exist
but no matter what this one truth
is my new reality
“My whole world is dark without you.”

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Shadow

I think I finally understand Batman
he is a shadow
but not just any shadow
no he is the embodiment of reconciled darkness
the reconciled darkness of Bruce Wayne
So that just leaves one question:
How do I reconcile my darkness
to be a purposed shadow?

Touches

Everyone has pain

Those are the words I hear echo through my mind as I look in your eyes

Everyone has pain

No life goes untouched from loss

Or grief

From smothered hope

Or crushed dreams

Everyone has pain

When your purpose escapes your grasp

Or when you think you’ve finally found your happy place

Until suddenly… poof! It’s gone, ripped away in an instant

Everyone has pain

Some more jagged than others

Some of us carry deeper scars

Some of us nurse non-healing wounds

Some of us are plagued in the night, every moment we close our eyes

Wounds

Pain

Come in all shapes and sizes

Pain is our true equalizer

It doesn’t see color

Creed

Status

Orientation

Pain touches everyone

Don’t let the ache isolate you

Like it does to countless others

Don’t let your pain win

The Gap

You may have noticed a gap

I’ve been gone for quite some time

silent for 7 months

I lost my center

my way

my voice

I stood motionless

as the world flew by

and couldn’t utter a single word

the only vibration past my quivering lips

were guttural moans

emanating from a shattered heart

It is time for those moans

to turn into words

that will tell the story

of my deepest

love and loss

we survive in moments

and grieve for eternity

Inside

I am lost
in a sea of demons
trapped inside my head

Each one
has a different message
that it constantly shouts

There is no room to breathe
no room to speak
no room to think
amidst a swirling vortex
of screamed inadequacies

I’m lost
I don’t know
who’s who
or what’s what

I just know all the things I’m not
All the things I’m failing at
All the things that make me… pointless

I am lost
and unconvinced
there is a way to save me

It

I am not someone who is loved…

That’s it. 

The phrase that haunts my darkest nightmares

Fuels my deepest sorrows

The statement of perceived truth I try to hide from all the world 

When you look in my eyes and I rapidly blink and look away

Its to hide the fact 

That I

I this broken down

Remnant of a heart 

Am unlovable 

I am not someone who is loved. 

One Word

Why?

I need to know why

That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why

Why did that happen?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Why can’t I not be a statistic?

Why, why, why?

Why did you leave?

Why do you love me?

Why do you see good in me?

Why, why, why?

This one word consumes my brain constantly 

I can never escape it

When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?

I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against. 

Slowly it erodes away my sanity

Pedestal

You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”

I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for. 

I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them. 

Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you. 

You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you. 

I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why. 

A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely. 

I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth. 

I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace. 

Why?

Why do you love me,

trust me,

insist there is goodness inside of me?

Why don’t you give up on,

abandon,

say “you’re not worth it” to me?

Why do you open up your heart,

your home,

your life to me?

Why do you think I’m worthy?

Help Me

I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.