You may have noticed a gap
I’ve been gone for quite some time
silent for 7 months
I lost my center
I stood motionless
as the world flew by
and couldn’t utter a single word
the only vibration past my quivering lips
were guttural moans
emanating from a shattered heart
It is time for those moans
to turn into words
that will tell the story
of my deepest
love and loss
we survive in moments
and grieve for eternity
I am lost
in a sea of demons
trapped inside my head
has a different message
that it constantly shouts
There is no room to breathe
no room to speak
no room to think
amidst a swirling vortex
of screamed inadequacies
I don’t know
or what’s what
I just know all the things I’m not
All the things I’m failing at
All the things that make me… pointless
I am lost
there is a way to save me
I am not someone who is loved…
The phrase that haunts my darkest nightmares
Fuels my deepest sorrows
The statement of perceived truth I try to hide from all the world
When you look in my eyes and I rapidly blink and look away
Its to hide the fact
I this broken down
Remnant of a heart
I am not someone who is loved.
I need to know why
That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why
Why did that happen?
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be normal?
Why can’t I not be a statistic?
Why, why, why?
Why did you leave?
Why do you love me?
Why do you see good in me?
Why, why, why?
This one word consumes my brain constantly
I can never escape it
When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?
I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against.
Slowly it erodes away my sanity
You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”
I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for.
I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them.
Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you.
You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you.
I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why.
A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely.
I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth.
I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace.
Why do you love me,
insist there is goodness inside of me?
Why don’t you give up on,
say “you’re not worth it” to me?
Why do you open up your heart,
your life to me?
Why do you think I’m worthy?
I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.
Some giants are pint-sized
Some warriors are wounded and worn
Some intellectuals have the largest hearts
I’m realizing that you more than caught me by surprise 2 years ago
You surprise me everyday
I tell you you’re incredible
That you’re amazing
Try to express how insanely much you mean to me
I don’t know if you truly realize all that you are
But I will tell you this…
You’ve saved me more than once
Loved me when no one else would
Held me as I shattered apart
and gently put me back together
Over and over again you speak hope and light into my deepest darkness
You are the strongest, bravest, biggest person I know
and I can honestly say I’d be lost without you
Forever in motion
you think you have me pegged
all figured out, from head to toe
there’s no way
because every morning I wake up
having no idea who I truly am
you don’t “know” me
because I don’t even know me
so stop thinking you have all my answers
and let me learn all my layers
of complexity on my own.
I’m forever in motion,
stop confining me.
spinning out of control
so hard to breathe
can anything pull me back from the brink?
slowly losing my mind
I’m losing me
but is that okay?