Avoidance

Avoidance is my expertise
like on a superpower scale
I’m the Superman to a world filled with Robins
I know why I avoid
the pain is overwhelming
suffocating
a cacophonous entity
that strips me of all strength, hope, and life force
This searing pain weakens me to the point that I no longer know how to breathe, function, exist.
I often stand motionless, hollow, devoid of all thoughts except those surrounding my deepest nightmares.

Avoidance is how I survive
In many ways I’ve lost touch with reality
For I am consumed by a world of injustice
one that removes the core of existance
My reality is haunted by dreams of yesteryear
when life was hard but love prevailed and held me in its hope infused embrace
Now I wake up from beautiful memories now turned nightmarish remembrances; wondering how many times that day I’ll forget to breathe until that burning ache clues me in that I was once again lost on another plane.

I avoid because I could never figure out how my life worked without you in it.
Now I find myself forced into a reality where you are now just a memory.
I hate it!
I don’t want this life.
I don’t want this torture of loving and aching for you all at the same time.
How?
How am I suppose to continue on?
How am I suppose to make the most of my ever ongoing days?
How am I suppose to care about anything the same way, now knowing the ache of heart-rendering, soul shattering loss?
How? Tell me how?!

Instead I sit here, knowing what I need to face and having no idea where to start.
How do you make a new life after your own personal apocalypse?

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