Letter #8

Dear Friend,

I find myself and my life extraordinarily boring. There is nothing noteworthy to mention, how I wish there were though. I wish I had stories, snippets, or even just fun anecdotes to offer you.

To be honest, I don’t feel much these days. My life is so scheduled and planned that I honestly don’t have time to just feel or think. In some ways its nice not to be overwhelmed by emotion, well other than stress and anxiety. The problem with it is that I turn into a numb zombie. In the beginning this zombie state only affects me but eventually it taints every one of my relationships as well. Its not what I want I dont want those I love to be indirectly iced out. This is me, this is my state, this is why I have nothing to offer you and for that I am sorry.

Knowing where life has me it stirs within me the wonder of where life has you? Are you stranded on an island deserting your very self like I have or are you keeping up, going strong, and conquering life? I hope its the latter, I hope you are leading life instead of barely keeping up with it.

Friend, do you ever question your own strength? How much you can really handle or do? It used to be that my strength was my greatest asset, strength and resiliency was the way I overcame and succeeded in life. Recently, a problem has appeared one I don’t know how to vanquish. I have run into this problem a time or two before; however, what use to be an occasional issue has turned into a constant crisis… I am simply not strong enough. I have been fighting against this reality to the point of exhaustion. My initial response to this issue was to begin weightlifting. I’ve lost weight, gained muscle, bumped up my lifting amounts several times, and physically I am stronger but this change has sobered me to realize this new routine will not embolden this unbelieving heart. My physical strength isn’t the problem… it is my strength within. How do you strengthen your brain and heart? I’m at a loss here friend. For once, I haven’t an inkling of where to begin.

So here I am, in my zombie state knowing that something has to change before I chase away all those that love and care for me. Every time I approach them I see that flicker of fear in their eyes “is she safe today?” When I witness this moment it completely shatters my heart into dust. I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t want to make them wary and hesitant, to have them scared of me – oh how it takes my breath away with anguish. I love people so easily but I can’t stop the ugly oozing out of me these days. My heart breaks at the knowledge that I cannot filter out the monster coming out of me.

Friend, I have no words of encouragement. I am sorry. I am sorry I have nothing to help uplift you in this journey of life. Know that I love you more than I can ever aptly express. No matter how distant I may seem you are always one of my first thoughts upon waking and one of my last fleeting images before sleep. You are a part of my heart and you always will be. As long as I breathe I will love and believe in you in immeasurable ways. You are my favorite for always.

Loving you, still, from a distance,

-M

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