I need to know why
That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why
Why did that happen?
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be normal?
Why can’t I not be a statistic?
Why, why, why?
Why did you leave?
Why do you love me?
Why do you see good in me?
Why, why, why?
This one word consumes my brain constantly
I can never escape it
When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?
I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against.
Slowly it erodes away my sanity
You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”
I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for.
I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them.
Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you.
You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you.
I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why.
A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely.
I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth.
I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace.