Well another week has passed, another week without you near. Believe it or not I cannot help but count the days that you are away. I remind myself that this is not a good practice, but my heart has reasons of its own. The simple fact is that you cannot stop from missing someone, loving someone and maybe that is more of a blessing than it feels like sometimes.
Friend, this week has been such a long one. I have consumed so much caffeine just to function as a tired being. Of course this was the week, well one of them, where a great amount was expected and demanded of me. Why does this happen at my weakest moments when there is nothing within me to give?
Even as draining and wearisome as this week was, there was this vein of surprise that ran throughout it. Friend, you know me – you know that one of my greatest struggles is doubt. I doubt whether I’m enough, good enough, worth enough. I doubt whether I am a good friend, if I’m sacrificing enough, doing enough. This is my ongoing mantra on the daily.
This week my mantra was no different, however the voices outside of me were. My coworkers and a few friends kept expressing how they viewed me, saw me, “knew me to be.” I didn’t ask for these insights, these revelations and yet they kept being heaped upon me. Sometimes the weight of truth can be crushing, breaking, suffocating even.
Happy, kind, sweet, and fierce were the words spoken in reference to me. I of course, in response, smiled and chuckled warmly whilst gently sliding that spoken word to the floor or back at them. “No, no, no. You are kind, you are sweet, you are the face of happy not me. Not me, not this girl with the ragged tattered heart.” My one coworker simply stated. “Oh Megan, you are a fierce warrior with a gentle heart, don’t you know that silly?” Instantly tears sprang to my eyes, I dropped my head as a whispered “no” ushered from my lips. “Megan, a gentle giant and you don’t even know it.”
Is this the truth? Is this who I am? Because the mirror I look into every morning does not say this. Heh, when I started these letters, I didn’t mean for them to turn into personal journal entries. I apologize, you probably need more happy words and encouragement than that which I’m offering in these. I love you and I wish I could give you every ounce of happiness within me – so that you could face each new morning with an overabundance in your heart. If I could usher you into a fresh new day with words of encouragement I would. To be the morning voice over freshly percolated coffee expressing to you in deep tones that, “you are my favorite smartypants and you can conquer the whole world with one dazzling smile.”
Tomorrow begins another week for me and I’m not sure if I am ready to face that. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be responsible or mature. Occasionally, it would be nice to have the ability to revert back to happy times in childhood, in order to escape adult reality for just a brief moment. If only I could be 12 again where the only worry on my mind was perfecting my jump shot.
Well my friend it is time for me to once again bid adieu. Know that I am thinking of you and love you.