One Word

Why?

I need to know why

That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why

Why did that happen?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Why can’t I not be a statistic?

Why, why, why?

Why did you leave?

Why do you love me?

Why do you see good in me?

Why, why, why?

This one word consumes my brain constantly 

I can never escape it

When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?

I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against. 

Slowly it erodes away my sanity

Gentle Joy

Some giants are pint-sized

Some warriors are wounded and worn

Some intellectuals have the largest hearts

I’m realizing that you more than caught me by surprise 2 years ago

You surprise me everyday

I tell you you’re incredible

That you’re amazing

Try to express how insanely much you mean to me

I don’t know if you truly realize all that you are

But I will tell you this…

You’ve saved me more than once

Loved me when no one else would

Held me as I shattered apart

and gently put me back together

Over and over again you speak hope and light into my deepest darkness

You are the strongest, bravest, biggest person I know

and I can honestly say I’d be lost without you

 

Motion

Forever in motion

continuously changing

you think you have me pegged

all figured out, from head to toe

there’s no way

because every morning I wake up

having no idea who I truly am

you don’t “know” me

because I don’t even know me

so stop thinking you have all my answers

and let me learn all my layers

of complexity on my own.

I’m forever in motion,

stop confining me.

Okay?

On edge
spinning out of control
heart racing
so hard to breathe
can anything pull me back from the brink?
slowly losing my mind
hope ebbs
strength recedes
I’m losing me
but is that okay?

Together

Two words uttered from your lips

“I’m leaving”

my breath hitched in my chest

words rushed through my mind

an endless swirl of “no’s,” “don’t go,” and “please don’t leave.”

I hear my self say

“I won’t talk you into staying

I’ve done that 4 other times

I want you to be happy, healthy

and if here isn’t safe anymore – I won’t talk you into staying.”

I want you happy,

I want you healthy,

Even if that isn’t here,

Even if that isn’t with me

I went home

after hearing your heart,

your truth,

your reality

I sat on the edge of my bed

and watched as tears stained my jeans

You made a statement,

“Now I know what you feel”

My heart broke completely

I don’t want you to know what I feel

not with this

If I could save you from this

dear God I would

I’d take all that pain

all that angst away

I don’t want you to feel this

to struggle with this

but the reality is that you are

life isn’t perfect

as beautiful, gentle, and good-hearted as you are

you find yourself stuck and in a dark place

So where do we go from here?

We go forward

however slowly

one day

one moment

one breath

one second

one heartbeat

together

you’re never alone in this journey

I’m right here with you

I’ll make you a deal

I will stay in this game called life

if you will too

Together

We’ll conquer life

I’m always in your corner

a support,

a safe place,

a heart always toward you

Undo Me

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

your hand

on my arm

ghosting across my fingers

pressing gently against the small of my back

sets me on fire

being with you

is my favorite part of the week

i love sneaking glances

catching your eye

sly smirks

flirtatious winks

lingering on the walk to your car

losing count of how many times

our hands touch

until finally a shoulder bump leads to your hand in mine

I’m lost in the feel of your skin

i can feel your pulse pounding through your palm

what must mine feel like?

probably like I’m having a heart attack

because I think I am

It’s time for goodbye

I hate this moment

you let go of my hand and I feel empty

suddenly it’s hand on stomach

shoulder

neck, gently pulling me down

until my lips meet yours

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

you undo me

Assimilation

Fight

constantly struggling

against me being me and

me having to please you…

Somehow

no matter what

I’m not exactly living up to what you want

that’s it, you

it always comes back to you

What you want

don’t want

what you need

don’t need

how I make you look, feel, what I do for you

I ask for a moment alone

time with a friend

time to rest

a day to be me

and you explode!

into a million fiery insults,

a puddle of anxiety,

suddenly you can’t exist without me…

a part of me feels

wanted

needed

important

but this other part of me feels trapped

used

controlled

imprisoned by you

I hate that feeling

because I honestly care,

there’s goodness there between us

but  I don’t know if its enough

to be worth me sacrificing

all of me

and be assimilated by you

Overthinking

Those that know me best

are cognizant of my constant mental processing

Continually thinking, in a never ending cycle

Normally those near and dear are telling me to stop

“don’t overthink it.”

I hate those words, detest them with everything in me

“Don’t overthink” is like saying “don’t let your heart beat”… impossible

I have learned that overthinking isn’t always a bad thing

Tonight for instance I found you on my mind

a part of my internal ramblings

I have learned within my life

that one of the best ways to avoid deep stings of pain

is too not look at the sources from where it can come

Thats what I’ve done

For two months now I’ve looked away

from what I knew would hurt the most

Looked away from what you had and I wanted

I didn’t want you, not like that

that’s why I never pursued it

but I did (I do) want what you have

So I looked away because it hurt too much to witness

Tonight I stopped looking away

and stared straight at the very thing I’ve been avoiding

I saw you

as lovely and sweet as ever

I saw you with your love

I saw you happy

That one moment cut through everything

you happy was all I needed to see

in order to finally let you go

and own your life’s destiny

I won’t overthink this one

I won’t fight

I’ll let it be

and walk away

so you can be you

and I can be me

Louder


Love the voice of my redemption, restoration, the battle cry of my resurrection… you save me from my inner torment, when I don’t know if I can keep going you call to me once again. Ever deeper, ever knowing, ever consuming. 

Layers

5 layers deep

into my psyche

and you still won’t know the real me

 

15 layers deep

and you’ll see all the fissures

threatening my structural integrity

 

25 layers deep

and you’ll understand

the nightmares that plague me

 

35 layers deep

and maybe you’ll cry

the way I cry myself to sleep

 

45 layers deep

if you see this place

feel privileged

for this is my inner sanctum

 

You judge me on my outer layer

but you honestly have no idea who I am

what swirls inside this core

 

You try to conform

physical features

and ignore

a soul, a heart, a mind

you’ve forgotten the fragile person

underneath that tough exterior