Assimilation

Fight

constantly struggling

against me being me and

me having to please you…

Somehow

no matter what

I’m not exactly living up to what you want

that’s it, you

it always comes back to you

What you want

don’t want

what you need

don’t need

how I make you look, feel, what I do for you

I ask for a moment alone

time with a friend

time to rest

a day to be me

and you explode!

into a million fiery insults,

a puddle of anxiety,

suddenly you can’t exist without me…

a part of me feels

wanted

needed

important

but this other part of me feels trapped

used

controlled

imprisoned by you

I hate that feeling

because I honestly care,

there’s goodness there between us

but  I don’t know if its enough

to be worth me sacrificing

all of me

and be assimilated by you

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Overthinking

Those that know me best

are cognizant of my constant mental processing

Continually thinking, in a never ending cycle

Normally those near and dear are telling me to stop

“don’t overthink it.”

I hate those words, detest them with everything in me

“Don’t overthink” is like saying “don’t let your heart beat”… impossible

I have learned that overthinking isn’t always a bad thing

Tonight for instance I found you on my mind

a part of my internal ramblings

I have learned within my life

that one of the best ways to avoid deep stings of pain

is too not look at the sources from where it can come

Thats what I’ve done

For two months now I’ve looked away

from what I knew would hurt the most

Looked away from what you had and I wanted

I didn’t want you, not like that

that’s why I never pursued it

but I did (I do) want what you have

So I looked away because it hurt too much to witness

Tonight I stopped looking away

and stared straight at the very thing I’ve been avoiding

I saw you

as lovely and sweet as ever

I saw you with your love

I saw you happy

That one moment cut through everything

you happy was all I needed to see

in order to finally let you go

and own your life’s destiny

I won’t overthink this one

I won’t fight

I’ll let it be

and walk away

so you can be you

and I can be me