Inside

I am lost
in a sea of demons
trapped inside my head

Each one
has a different message
that it constantly shouts

There is no room to breathe
no room to speak
no room to think
amidst a swirling vortex
of screamed inadequacies

I’m lost
I don’t know
who’s who
or what’s what

I just know all the things I’m not
All the things I’m failing at
All the things that make me… pointless

I am lost
and unconvinced
there is a way to save me

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It

I am not someone who is loved…

That’s it. 

The phrase that haunts my darkest nightmares

Fuels my deepest sorrows

The statement of perceived truth I try to hide from all the world 

When you look in my eyes and I rapidly blink and look away

Its to hide the fact 

That I

I this broken down

Remnant of a heart 

Am unlovable 

I am not someone who is loved. 

One Word

Why?

I need to know why

That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why

Why did that happen?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Why can’t I not be a statistic?

Why, why, why?

Why did you leave?

Why do you love me?

Why do you see good in me?

Why, why, why?

This one word consumes my brain constantly 

I can never escape it

When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?

I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against. 

Slowly it erodes away my sanity

Pedestal

You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”

I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for. 

I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them. 

Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you. 

You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you. 

I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why. 

A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely. 

I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth. 

I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace. 

Why?

Why do you love me,

trust me,

insist there is goodness inside of me?

Why don’t you give up on,

abandon,

say “you’re not worth it” to me?

Why do you open up your heart,

your home,

your life to me?

Why do you think I’m worthy?

Help Me

I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.

Okay?

On edge
spinning out of control
heart racing
so hard to breathe
can anything pull me back from the brink?
slowly losing my mind
hope ebbs
strength recedes
I’m losing me
but is that okay?

Shambles

Realizing I’m breaking

in new places

deeper ways than ever before

the core of me: rattles, shakes, splits

I am but dust amongst broken remnants

all of me swirls

in a rage

a torment

of feelings

definitions

I don’t know how to make sense of anything

I don’t know who I am anymore

I don’t know anything

lost in my own shambles

Overthinking

Those that know me best

are cognizant of my constant mental processing

Continually thinking, in a never ending cycle

Normally those near and dear are telling me to stop

“don’t overthink it.”

I hate those words, detest them with everything in me

“Don’t overthink” is like saying “don’t let your heart beat”… impossible

I have learned that overthinking isn’t always a bad thing

Tonight for instance I found you on my mind

a part of my internal ramblings

I have learned within my life

that one of the best ways to avoid deep stings of pain

is too not look at the sources from where it can come

Thats what I’ve done

For two months now I’ve looked away

from what I knew would hurt the most

Looked away from what you had and I wanted

I didn’t want you, not like that

that’s why I never pursued it

but I did (I do) want what you have

So I looked away because it hurt too much to witness

Tonight I stopped looking away

and stared straight at the very thing I’ve been avoiding

I saw you

as lovely and sweet as ever

I saw you with your love

I saw you happy

That one moment cut through everything

you happy was all I needed to see

in order to finally let you go

and own your life’s destiny

I won’t overthink this one

I won’t fight

I’ll let it be

and walk away

so you can be you

and I can be me

Good for You

I don’t think I’m good for you
I want to be
I want to be one of your answers
To be the one to rescue you
To save you from you
But thats the problem
I save you from your pain, from your consequences, from the things that will cause you to grow
I want whats best for you
to help you reach your potential
to make sure you’re safe
I know myself well enough
to know that I will protect you
with everything within me
but is that good for you?
we talked about being toxic
and I think the truth is
that I’m toxic for you
in my effort to help I’ve gotten in the way
I’m no longer helping
I’m actually hurting you
and all I want is whatever is
Good for You
Even if its not me
because I love you
more than I love me