Shambles

Realizing I’m breaking

in new places

deeper ways than ever before

the core of me: rattles, shakes, splits

I am but dust amongst broken remnants

all of me swirls

in a rage

a torment

of feelings

definitions

I don’t know how to make sense of anything

I don’t know who I am anymore

I don’t know anything

lost in my own shambles

Together

Two words uttered from your lips

“I’m leaving”

my breath hitched in my chest

words rushed through my mind

an endless swirl of “no’s,” “don’t go,” and “please don’t leave.”

I hear my self say

“I won’t talk you into staying

I’ve done that 4 other times

I want you to be happy, healthy

and if here isn’t safe anymore – I won’t talk you into staying.”

I want you happy,

I want you healthy,

Even if that isn’t here,

Even if that isn’t with me

I went home

after hearing your heart,

your truth,

your reality

I sat on the edge of my bed

and watched as tears stained my jeans

You made a statement,

“Now I know what you feel”

My heart broke completely

I don’t want you to know what I feel

not with this

If I could save you from this

dear God I would

I’d take all that pain

all that angst away

I don’t want you to feel this

to struggle with this

but the reality is that you are

life isn’t perfect

as beautiful, gentle, and good-hearted as you are

you find yourself stuck and in a dark place

So where do we go from here?

We go forward

however slowly

one day

one moment

one breath

one second

one heartbeat

together

you’re never alone in this journey

I’m right here with you

I’ll make you a deal

I will stay in this game called life

if you will too

Together

We’ll conquer life

I’m always in your corner

a support,

a safe place,

a heart always toward you

Undo Me

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

your hand

on my arm

ghosting across my fingers

pressing gently against the small of my back

sets me on fire

being with you

is my favorite part of the week

i love sneaking glances

catching your eye

sly smirks

flirtatious winks

lingering on the walk to your car

losing count of how many times

our hands touch

until finally a shoulder bump leads to your hand in mine

I’m lost in the feel of your skin

i can feel your pulse pounding through your palm

what must mine feel like?

probably like I’m having a heart attack

because I think I am

It’s time for goodbye

I hate this moment

you let go of my hand and I feel empty

suddenly it’s hand on stomach

shoulder

neck, gently pulling me down

until my lips meet yours

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

you undo me