Shield

Knees pulled tightly to my chest

in an effort to pull my 5’10” frame

into the smallest ball possible

I haven’t been touched

by another human being for weeks

Now I find myself

in the most desperate embrace

clinging to myself

with a death grip most terrifying

my world quakes and shakes

as I struggle to breathe in

air feels like fire

life feels like suffocation

love feels empty

I wrap my arms tighter

trying to shield my heart

from all that is and isn’t.

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Sometimes

Sometimes, I lose myself. Not in anything spectacular, just simply in life in general. I hate it, I hate being so malleable that I can honestly erase who I am and what I stand for simply because life, love, or anything else becomes too overwhelming. That is where I find myself these days… lost. Lost in stress, school, work, friends, family. Who am I anymore?

Regrets

there are days where I stop

Take a moment and look over the people in my life (both past and present)

And sinkingly realize how I’ve been stingy with the love I’ve given

I look at faces and see how I haven’t loved well

How so and so deserved/s more than what I’ve given

I regret that I’m not more

that I haven’t been what others have needed

I regret my failed heart, selfish needs, and resistance to the hurting

Regrets do I have any?

Gosh so many and they all have a name, a face, a soul…

Caught

Between

Suddenly realizing

That I was

Caught

In the middle of you two

On the highway

At my job

In random questions

I hate this

but love you

Caught

It’s killing me

to be trapped in between

neither of you care

As I speed past you both

trying to escape the pressure

find my safe place again

I know

that tomorrow will bring

this trapped torment once again

I just need a moment

to escape you both

 

Forgot

I forgot what this was like

That deep cavernous ache

The one that consumes the all of you

Eating and eroding every good thing within you

Loneliness you bastard

Why must you take all that I love

Why must you condemn me to isolation

Why must you torture me so cruelly

I can’t survive this, not again

I don’t know how to make it through

Content

Contentment

it does exist

next to you

in cool autumn breezes

you know me in all my duplicity

and love me beyond the scope that I can love myself

I’ve been lost

and you’ve reminded me I can be found

You’re the encouragement I often forget I need

You are a calm

a place of solidity

touch of safety

a kiss of warmth

Etched

Hope is a foreign element

to my overwhelmed heart

It’s so alien

so hard to try to capture

let alone hold onto

They say its essential

that without it we die

That’s where I am dying…

Tonight I was rash

Normally, I’m planned, methodical, well-formed

Tonight I knew something had to change

I took hope and etched it into me

into my very flesh

trying to make it a part of me

The pain of hope mixed with my life blood

As I tried to catch my breath

I knew that this was the beginning

of a new

raw

authentic me

Hope will be mine

and I will own it with every breath