If you were to look in my room
you would see
a somewhat organized chaos but just barely
if you were to look closer
past the piles of clothes
some dirty
some clean
some in rumpled piles atop neatly folded ones
you would see the tear stained pillowcases
the disheveled bed that speaks of the nightmares hidden in the dark
the cuddly tiny panda tucked under my pillow would surely catch your eye
another sweeping glance would reveal the seemingly thousand empty gatorade and water bottles scattered about
those in turn would point you to the nightstand where the advil, tylenol, and sleeping pills are stationed by size
if you were to scan the room
you would see 3 things donning the walls
the word “love” made of galvanized tin and hung from a string
a framed picture declaring “megan you are loved”
and a calendar that hasn’t been changed since last October
if you look to the left of the calendar
you will see a small maroon card with the picture of a gentle woman
upon further inspection you would see an inscription “in loving memory,” a name Maria Herczog Gulyas, a date July 3, 1936 – October 12, 2017
there it is
the lynchpin of all the chaos
October changed everything
the advil and tylenol are needed for the headaches caused by the overwhelming tears
the tears come amidst the nightmares that not even the sleeping pills can drown out
the disheveled bed shows the war fought within the dark recesses
the tear stained pillowcases hold the proof of deep love
and that cuddly tiny panda reveals the need for touch within the bottomless canyon of heartbreak
If you were to look in my room
you would see the state of my heart
chaos in its unrelenting form