Why?

Why do you love me,

trust me,

insist there is goodness inside of me?

Why don’t you give up on,

abandon,

say “you’re not worth it” to me?

Why do you open up your heart,

your home,

your life to me?

Why do you think I’m worthy?

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Undo Me

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

your hand

on my arm

ghosting across my fingers

pressing gently against the small of my back

sets me on fire

being with you

is my favorite part of the week

i love sneaking glances

catching your eye

sly smirks

flirtatious winks

lingering on the walk to your car

losing count of how many times

our hands touch

until finally a shoulder bump leads to your hand in mine

I’m lost in the feel of your skin

i can feel your pulse pounding through your palm

what must mine feel like?

probably like I’m having a heart attack

because I think I am

It’s time for goodbye

I hate this moment

you let go of my hand and I feel empty

suddenly it’s hand on stomach

shoulder

neck, gently pulling me down

until my lips meet yours

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

you undo me

Love?

Love

You used to be so easy for me

So cleansing

Open

All encompassing

The only thing that could rid me of shame

Clothe me in grace

And ransom my shackled heart

But now

You are so complicated

Rending

Destructive

Before

When the world made sense

I knew who I was

What I was

How I was to be

Then in one simple moment

I was given permission

By another

By myself

To be the real me

Now I find myself lost

In a sea of ink

I’m lost for words

As to who I truly am

Lost in how

I’ve been abandoned by love

It’s no longer open

Instead its exacting

Redacting

Restrictive

If you fall into its parameters

You’re free

For those of us who are outside its expectations

The ones “not living up to their potential”

Those who no longer match the crowd

How do we come to terms with being banished

From the realm of true love?

Finding You

Finding you

I realize

is what

I desperately

need

 

So lost

frozen

overwhelmed

 

I have lost you

and in doing so

have lost me too

 

My own heart

seems to be

disconnected

from my very body

desolation

my only companion

hope

an obscured myth

 

Desperately

I look for you

because you

are my

last chance

we both know

I’m dying

teetering

on the edge

of pulling a trigger

I can never

recover from

 

Finding you

is now

my only hope

but in reality

it always has been

Amongst

Lone

A beauty

among the grassy knolls

A burst of sun

outshining all the others

How did you get here, dear sunflower?

Growing in the median

between two stretches of highway

 

You shouldnt be here,

it’s true you are a part of nature

but not this nature

I wonder if you know that?

That you are not a meaningless smog covered blade?

You are composed in an entirely different way.

 

The structural dynamic

that composes you

is head and shoulders above

your grassy comrades.

Does this make you better than all the others?

Either in thought or reality?

My heart longs to say yes,

but in reality your DNA

is the same

as those that surround you.

 

However,

the beauty of you

shall forever

bring sanity

to my listless existence.

 

Recent Revelation

I used to look at people and think “why on earth would you do that.” Now, however, I look at people and see different levels of pain. That ostentatious outfit is clearly a cry for help in a way much deeper than the superficial. It is the cry of “see me.” See me for what I am and what I’m not. See me for the human being I can’t help but be. See me as a person before you judge me as a lost cause. The person “whoring” around is more than an easy lay, within every intimate moment given away is a whisper of the heart “love me.” Love me, make me feel important here now so I can vanquish that voice that says I’m nothing. Prove to me right now that I am, that I am something, someone who has some type of worth. I want to feel this forever, but I will take what I can get in this rapid half an hour. The wallflower shrinking away inwardly after every harsh word, every bullied moment, every taunt reverberates with the echo… “Feel my pain.” Feel my pain, I’ve been ridiculed and made the butt of every joke my whole life. Can’t you see that you are slowly killing me. That my whole world is simply composed of all the ways in which I fail to be as superior as those around me. I hate who I am but I also can’t help my basic composition. I am not you, please stop persecuting me for it. I used to look at people and see their immediate exterior. Now I look at them and see the cracks they try to hide, so desperately. All I want to say is that it is okay, I am human too. Some fissures run deeper than others, but none of them invalidate me, nor you.

Pressed Against

Pressed against my lips

I quickly awaken to

the realization 

that you are my saving grace 

The warm life force 

pouring directly into me

freeing me

of my restraints 

and contempt

You move through me

Robust, sweet, limpid 

Nothing else feels like this 

Only you can revive me

So gently, boldly, and unprepossessing 

Pressed against my lips

I quickly find myself in heaven

The Little Things

My mind races
With how much I will miss you
Regardless of where I am
Thoughts overwhelm my heart

It’s not even the big things
That cause my breath to hitch in my chest
But instead the million little things
Like the way you smile
When you find what I say charming
That laugh of yours
The way your muscles react to my touch
The smell of you (fabric softener, warmth, & the scent unique unto you)
The warmth that radiates from you

The little things
That I so easily took for granted
And now seemingly ache for

We are a million moments
You are every memory
Your pieces
Complete me