It

I am not someone who is loved…

That’s it. 

The phrase that haunts my darkest nightmares

Fuels my deepest sorrows

The statement of perceived truth I try to hide from all the world 

When you look in my eyes and I rapidly blink and look away

Its to hide the fact 

That I

I this broken down

Remnant of a heart 

Am unlovable 

I am not someone who is loved. 

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Pedestal

You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”

I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for. 

I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them. 

Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you. 

You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you. 

I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why. 

A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely. 

I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth. 

I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace. 

The Post Learn

I’m learning

About myself 

Others

That not everyone loves the way I do

Or sees things from my 5’10” point of view

I’m learning 

That growth hurts more than anything you can imagine

That strength comes from an experience of pain

That having a huge heart means it gets abused more regularly

I’m learning

It’s okay I’m not perfect

It’s okay that I’m me

It’s okay that I fail

Because

I’m learning…

Still

Layers

5 layers deep

into my psyche

and you still won’t know the real me

 

15 layers deep

and you’ll see all the fissures

threatening my structural integrity

 

25 layers deep

and you’ll understand

the nightmares that plague me

 

35 layers deep

and maybe you’ll cry

the way I cry myself to sleep

 

45 layers deep

if you see this place

feel privileged

for this is my inner sanctum

 

You judge me on my outer layer

but you honestly have no idea who I am

what swirls inside this core

 

You try to conform

physical features

and ignore

a soul, a heart, a mind

you’ve forgotten the fragile person

underneath that tough exterior

Content

Contentment

it does exist

next to you

in cool autumn breezes

you know me in all my duplicity

and love me beyond the scope that I can love myself

I’ve been lost

and you’ve reminded me I can be found

You’re the encouragement I often forget I need

You are a calm

a place of solidity

touch of safety

a kiss of warmth

Recent Revelation

I used to look at people and think “why on earth would you do that.” Now, however, I look at people and see different levels of pain. That ostentatious outfit is clearly a cry for help in a way much deeper than the superficial. It is the cry of “see me.” See me for what I am and what I’m not. See me for the human being I can’t help but be. See me as a person before you judge me as a lost cause. The person “whoring” around is more than an easy lay, within every intimate moment given away is a whisper of the heart “love me.” Love me, make me feel important here now so I can vanquish that voice that says I’m nothing. Prove to me right now that I am, that I am something, someone who has some type of worth. I want to feel this forever, but I will take what I can get in this rapid half an hour. The wallflower shrinking away inwardly after every harsh word, every bullied moment, every taunt reverberates with the echo… “Feel my pain.” Feel my pain, I’ve been ridiculed and made the butt of every joke my whole life. Can’t you see that you are slowly killing me. That my whole world is simply composed of all the ways in which I fail to be as superior as those around me. I hate who I am but I also can’t help my basic composition. I am not you, please stop persecuting me for it. I used to look at people and see their immediate exterior. Now I look at them and see the cracks they try to hide, so desperately. All I want to say is that it is okay, I am human too. Some fissures run deeper than others, but none of them invalidate me, nor you.

I Will

I feel so lost
depleted
broken

Everyone seeks me
for a listening ear
for answers

All the while
they never realize
that I am more of a mess
than they will ever be

But I will
listen to their woes
heartbreak’s
anxieties

I will offer
all that I can
to bring them relief

But when all is said and done
and they go on about their merry way
I will stand alone
just as broken
as I was

before them

Cool Green

I saw love today
From a place I didn’t expect
Bold, pure, cool green eyes
Looking at me,
In me,
Through me

Beseeching me with an urgent message
“I see you,
I love you,
I need you.”

My heart beats in slow motion
Waiting for your lips to say
The one thing I ache to hear
That you want me 

My breath hitches
As I stare unhindered
Into those deep endless pools
Drawn in evermore
By your pleads of love

The Crowd

Was an entity
I always tried
To morph into

To get lost in
You know, just
One more face
In the sea of humanity

I used it
To ease my pains
The echo of loneliness
Seemed faintest
Among the crowd

But that is the hidden snare
Of the crowd
The loss of you
Of the pains you carry
The seeming deadening

The crowd promises
A place of belonging
Community if you will

It is here
The most popular
Can be honored
And the most
Lonely ignored
By a greater multitude of souls

Being amongst the crowd
Doesn’t get us anywhere
Than where we have already been

Just another face
Another name
Amongst the throng.