Shadow

I think I finally understand Batman
he is a shadow
but not just any shadow
no he is the embodiment of reconciled darkness
the reconciled darkness of Bruce Wayne
So that just leaves one question:
How do I reconcile my darkness
to be a purposed shadow?

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Touches

Everyone has pain

Those are the words I hear echo through my mind as I look in your eyes

Everyone has pain

No life goes untouched from loss

Or grief

From smothered hope

Or crushed dreams

Everyone has pain

When your purpose escapes your grasp

Or when you think you’ve finally found your happy place

Until suddenly… poof! It’s gone, ripped away in an instant

Everyone has pain

Some more jagged than others

Some of us carry deeper scars

Some of us nurse non-healing wounds

Some of us are plagued in the night, every moment we close our eyes

Wounds

Pain

Come in all shapes and sizes

Pain is our true equalizer

It doesn’t see color

Creed

Status

Orientation

Pain touches everyone

Don’t let the ache isolate you

Like it does to countless others

Don’t let your pain win

One Word

Why?

I need to know why

That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why

Why did that happen?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Why can’t I not be a statistic?

Why, why, why?

Why did you leave?

Why do you love me?

Why do you see good in me?

Why, why, why?

This one word consumes my brain constantly 

I can never escape it

When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?

I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against. 

Slowly it erodes away my sanity

Help Me

I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.

You

I let you in

I knew better

I knew your truth: the good & the bad

I looked past your darkest points

because at all times I see your beauty:

goodness

that tender heart that has won me completely

But here I stand

holding my broken heart in my hands

you’ve crushed me

broken me in ways I never saw coming

I don’t let people close

but I let you

and now I’m the one being punished

I’m the one trying not to fall apart

because I’ve lost you

You’ve traded in our friendship for someone new

You broke me

and in the midst of all this pain, torment, torture

I still find myself loving you

wanting to make sure you’re okay

I hate that

I hate that you’ve torn me apart

and yet I still love you

The Post Learn

I’m learning

About myself 

Others

That not everyone loves the way I do

Or sees things from my 5’10” point of view

I’m learning 

That growth hurts more than anything you can imagine

That strength comes from an experience of pain

That having a huge heart means it gets abused more regularly

I’m learning

It’s okay I’m not perfect

It’s okay that I’m me

It’s okay that I fail

Because

I’m learning…

Still

Shield

Knees pulled tightly to my chest

in an effort to pull my 5’10” frame

into the smallest ball possible

I haven’t been touched

by another human being for weeks

Now I find myself

in the most desperate embrace

clinging to myself

with a death grip most terrifying

my world quakes and shakes

as I struggle to breathe in

air feels like fire

life feels like suffocation

love feels empty

I wrap my arms tighter

trying to shield my heart

from all that is and isn’t.

Knife

If I

could take a knife

and carve my own heart

out of my chest

I would

Because it would be less painful

Than my day to day experience

Losing you

Letting go

Allowing us both room to grow

Is killing me

Eroding away everything good I contain

I’ve gone beyond hating this

To not knowing whether I can truly survive alone…

The Cracking of a Heart

I met my best friend in college and for the past 10 years we have been roommates, spending 3 summers and holidays apart. We work well together, we’ve learned each others nuances, strengths, weaknesses, darkest secrets, and deepest pains. We have both been the strong shoulder and the one who needed to cry on it. Through everything we have encouraged the other to be the best woman she could be. We have watched each other grow and mature and have been completely astounded by who the other has become. Today everything changed…

Eight months or so ago, my best friend told me she wanted to go on a mission one that lasted for a year (at least). I’ve never felt my heart sink so quickly as I did in that moment. I did what any best friend would do, I told her to look into it if it was something she really wanted to do. To my selfish hearts dismay she did. She found one, was excited about it, applied to it, asked me to fill out a reference form, that was the first time my heart cracked, and in the midst of that form I started to wrestle with my selfishness. I didn’t want her to go, to leave, to be who knows how far away for a year. I didn’t want that but I filled out the form and let the truth of her radiate from those words on that page. It took a while but she finally got the letter that would tell her future. I watched as she opened it and my heart broke as I recognized the look of disappointment appear on her face. “I didn’t get in,” she said completely crushed. I let her shed her disappointment on my shoulder and told her “Just because this one said no doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the dream. If this is really what you want then try again.” So she did.

I remember the day I heard her phone interview with the second mission corps. I was in my room, sick with some stomach bug, wrapped up in a blanket hating life and I heard her on the phone. As I listened and heard her responses I began to cry because I knew that there was no way they were going to say no to her. After the call ended she came into my room elated and that was the second time my heart cracked. She took care of me that night, making sure I was okay, watching a movie with me, and kept me from sinking into despair. It wasn’t very long after that, maybe a week or two, when she found out they accepted her into their program. When she told me, I’m pretty sure I said congratulations in my best happy impression as I hugged her and that was the third time my heart cracked.

For a long time I was both angry and hurt. How could she do this to me? To our friendship? How could she abandon me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Within all these questions I realized that I could never be “enough” her dreams far surpassed what our friendship could be nor offer. I knew that, I always had, I just didn’t expect to have to face it quite that soon. So I let those questions go, tried to move on, and be a supportive encourager. For months the hurt and ache that accompanied the dawning revelation of how this change would look in my daily life tore me apart. Every new aspect of change I realized, my heart cracked a little more. In the midst of everything I still struggled on trying to be as brave and encouraging as I knew how.

A month ago the sadness was the deepest it had been regarding the “transition” as I had come to label it. I went to work knowing it was going to be one of the hardest days I had experienced there. I have never felt so emotionally raw, out of control, on the fringe of losing it completely. Then it happened someone gave me permission to not be okay and as I rushed out of work to my car I knew that this was the beginning of a pain I had not yet known. That was the moment I broke. My body wracked with sobs for 20 minutes as I sat in the parking lot within my car. I drove home in that state, I’m not quite sure how I made it because I don’t remember any of that drive just the seemingly unending fountain of pain mixed with tears overflowing from me. Once home I curled up in bed, in the tightest ball my 5’10” frame could condense into and cried for hours. I woke up wishing the depth of despair I was in would have swallowed me like the black hole it felt composed of. Life went on and I composed myself yet again, to go head first into the busyness of moving.

This weekend we finally moved. The last night in the house together was hard but I kept it at arms length. The moving day was hard and sad but I had tons to do. The day we cleaned the house was crazy and noxious with fumes but I wasn’t prepared for the wave of sadness that hit when driving away from my home for the past 3 1/2 years. I wasn’t prepared for the hole that leaving created.

Sunday nights have always been the nights the two of us hung out consistently. Today when I dropped her off at her parents (which she is staying at until she leaves in 3 weeks) my heart broke again. I hate having to let go. I hate having to say a million little goodbyes. I hate this so much. I’ve lost what I’ve known to be my heart, I’ve lost what I’ve known to be my home, and I feel like I’ve lost my person. How do you exist in the midst of heartbreak?

Surprises

Surprises are not always good things.

Sometimes they are emotional earthquake’s

leaving raw gaping wreckage in their wake.

Complete and utter upheaval

is all you can see across the horizon.

Your normal has now been irreconcilably ripped apart,

leaving you with torn fragments of what once was.

Oh life, why do you try to destroy all that I have?

How do I make sense of things again?

How do I go on existing

when everything is so different now.

How do I go on without you?…