Okay?

On edge
spinning out of control
heart racing
so hard to breathe
can anything pull me back from the brink?
slowly losing my mind
hope ebbs
strength recedes
I’m losing me
but is that okay?

Advertisements

Overthinking

Those that know me best

are cognizant of my constant mental processing

Continually thinking, in a never ending cycle

Normally those near and dear are telling me to stop

“don’t overthink it.”

I hate those words, detest them with everything in me

“Don’t overthink” is like saying “don’t let your heart beat”… impossible

I have learned that overthinking isn’t always a bad thing

Tonight for instance I found you on my mind

a part of my internal ramblings

I have learned within my life

that one of the best ways to avoid deep stings of pain

is too not look at the sources from where it can come

Thats what I’ve done

For two months now I’ve looked away

from what I knew would hurt the most

Looked away from what you had and I wanted

I didn’t want you, not like that

that’s why I never pursued it

but I did (I do) want what you have

So I looked away because it hurt too much to witness

Tonight I stopped looking away

and stared straight at the very thing I’ve been avoiding

I saw you

as lovely and sweet as ever

I saw you with your love

I saw you happy

That one moment cut through everything

you happy was all I needed to see

in order to finally let you go

and own your life’s destiny

I won’t overthink this one

I won’t fight

I’ll let it be

and walk away

so you can be you

and I can be me

Keep

You keep my heart from dying.

Loneliness eats away at me like a parasitic disease.

At its strongest I feel my very heart start to die within me.

Suffocating, squeezing, consuming…

Yet in the worst of moments I feel you, hear you,  see you.

Your touch on my skin reminding me there is still warmth in the icy tundra of the world.

The words that escape your lips press so deeply into me, like the gentle reassuring pressure of a hand in the small of my back.

I don’t think you realize how you keep me from losing all sanity.

Every interaction, every moment you recognize me as a human being, as more than a mere face in the crowd, you save another part of my heart.

I withstand the abyss because of the love you offer and reinforce me with.

 

Regrets

there are days where I stop

Take a moment and look over the people in my life (both past and present)

And sinkingly realize how I’ve been stingy with the love I’ve given

I look at faces and see how I haven’t loved well

How so and so deserved/s more than what I’ve given

I regret that I’m not more

that I haven’t been what others have needed

I regret my failed heart, selfish needs, and resistance to the hurting

Regrets do I have any?

Gosh so many and they all have a name, a face, a soul…

Waiting

I’ve been waiting for you to come save me

to take me from this wicked reality

but I finally realized that you already have

 

I don’t have to stay here

these shackles are no longer mine

for you have brought freedom directly to me

You’ve redeemed me

heart and soul

 

I’ve been captive

for so long

I don’t remember what freedom means

 

How do I step past these shackles

leave this cell in a dungeon

I’ve seemingly known forever

 

So, I stand here like an imbecile

completely free but still waiting

to be saved

 

I wait and plead

for you to lead, to take me from this labyrinth

of desolation and pain

from this dwelling of hopelessness

Slowly

Slowly I open

Like the freshest of blooms

Slowly taking form

Revealing my color

Finally showing who I am

I am still weak and small

My strength not yet known

Yet I struggle on

I yearn for life

For freedom

To be imbued with ravenous sunlight that devours all my shadows

Take it, cut my shadow away that I may be free of my darkness, my past

That I may be free to stand in the truth of my destiny

To bloom where I have been planted

Time in the Sun

“I need some time in the sun”
I hear myself saying
With that half serious half sarcastic smile on my face.

I hear you chuckle
As the smile gleams
From your lovely face.

Slowly the words I uttered sink in
Not to you but me –
“I need some time in the sun”
Could it be that simple?

I need some time in Your light and immeasurable warmth.
The rays of You bring such deep healing.
To places I didn’t even know I had.

The warmth of You goes deep into the sinews of me.
It’s there I feel it suddenly: healing, renewal, strength.

I just need some time in the sun.