Shadow

I think I finally understand Batman
he is a shadow
but not just any shadow
no he is the embodiment of reconciled darkness
the reconciled darkness of Bruce Wayne
So that just leaves one question:
How do I reconcile my darkness
to be a purposed shadow?

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Why?

Why do you love me,

trust me,

insist there is goodness inside of me?

Why don’t you give up on,

abandon,

say “you’re not worth it” to me?

Why do you open up your heart,

your home,

your life to me?

Why do you think I’m worthy?

Motion

Forever in motion

continuously changing

you think you have me pegged

all figured out, from head to toe

there’s no way

because every morning I wake up

having no idea who I truly am

you don’t “know” me

because I don’t even know me

so stop thinking you have all my answers

and let me learn all my layers

of complexity on my own.

I’m forever in motion,

stop confining me.

Okay?

On edge
spinning out of control
heart racing
so hard to breathe
can anything pull me back from the brink?
slowly losing my mind
hope ebbs
strength recedes
I’m losing me
but is that okay?

Shambles

Realizing I’m breaking

in new places

deeper ways than ever before

the core of me: rattles, shakes, splits

I am but dust amongst broken remnants

all of me swirls

in a rage

a torment

of feelings

definitions

I don’t know how to make sense of anything

I don’t know who I am anymore

I don’t know anything

lost in my own shambles

Undo Me

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

your hand

on my arm

ghosting across my fingers

pressing gently against the small of my back

sets me on fire

being with you

is my favorite part of the week

i love sneaking glances

catching your eye

sly smirks

flirtatious winks

lingering on the walk to your car

losing count of how many times

our hands touch

until finally a shoulder bump leads to your hand in mine

I’m lost in the feel of your skin

i can feel your pulse pounding through your palm

what must mine feel like?

probably like I’m having a heart attack

because I think I am

It’s time for goodbye

I hate this moment

you let go of my hand and I feel empty

suddenly it’s hand on stomach

shoulder

neck, gently pulling me down

until my lips meet yours

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

you undo me

Layers

5 layers deep

into my psyche

and you still won’t know the real me

 

15 layers deep

and you’ll see all the fissures

threatening my structural integrity

 

25 layers deep

and you’ll understand

the nightmares that plague me

 

35 layers deep

and maybe you’ll cry

the way I cry myself to sleep

 

45 layers deep

if you see this place

feel privileged

for this is my inner sanctum

 

You judge me on my outer layer

but you honestly have no idea who I am

what swirls inside this core

 

You try to conform

physical features

and ignore

a soul, a heart, a mind

you’ve forgotten the fragile person

underneath that tough exterior

Love?

Love

You used to be so easy for me

So cleansing

Open

All encompassing

The only thing that could rid me of shame

Clothe me in grace

And ransom my shackled heart

But now

You are so complicated

Rending

Destructive

Before

When the world made sense

I knew who I was

What I was

How I was to be

Then in one simple moment

I was given permission

By another

By myself

To be the real me

Now I find myself lost

In a sea of ink

I’m lost for words

As to who I truly am

Lost in how

I’ve been abandoned by love

It’s no longer open

Instead its exacting

Redacting

Restrictive

If you fall into its parameters

You’re free

For those of us who are outside its expectations

The ones “not living up to their potential”

Those who no longer match the crowd

How do we come to terms with being banished

From the realm of true love?

Midnight Black

I keep reminding myself it’s okay to be broken

And then another piece of me crumbles

Suddenly brokenness seems as death personified 

I lay crumpled in a heap

Disbelieving that I can continue breathing

Slowly an inhalation passes past my lips

Then another

And another

I find myself gathering the few remaining pieces of me

Slowly I rise into what can be described as an almost standing position

I rally all my strength to take a trembling step forward

Little by little 

I move toward my hopeful horizon

Only to find another piece of me breaking

Then the cycle starts all over again

One day my breath will cease

And my hopeful horizon will meet the evening fade to midnight black