Without You

I’ve sat here for hours
trying to find words
that will somehow say everything
contained within my heart

I never saw this coming
My world without you
Everyday brings new aches and pains
Each memory turned bittersweet

Holidays and birthdays
that should have been spent together
are now heart rending reminders
that life is not how it should be

Those around me
express their concern, love, support
as much as I know they care
it doesn’t stop me from falling apart
The ache doesn’t release nor ease
My heartbreak is my own burden
even in the midst of a thousand vows of love

Words fail me
my heart is a blackhole
a void exists in my soul
and every moment I am unquestionably aware
that my chest aches anew with each breath

I can’t help but exist
but no matter what this one truth
is my new reality
“My whole world is dark without you.”

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Pedestal

You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”

I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for. 

I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them. 

Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you. 

You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you. 

I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why. 

A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely. 

I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth. 

I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace. 

Why?

Why do you love me,

trust me,

insist there is goodness inside of me?

Why don’t you give up on,

abandon,

say “you’re not worth it” to me?

Why do you open up your heart,

your home,

your life to me?

Why do you think I’m worthy?

Help Me

I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.

Gentle Joy

Some giants are pint-sized

Some warriors are wounded and worn

Some intellectuals have the largest hearts

I’m realizing that you more than caught me by surprise 2 years ago

You surprise me everyday

I tell you you’re incredible

That you’re amazing

Try to express how insanely much you mean to me

I don’t know if you truly realize all that you are

But I will tell you this…

You’ve saved me more than once

Loved me when no one else would

Held me as I shattered apart

and gently put me back together

Over and over again you speak hope and light into my deepest darkness

You are the strongest, bravest, biggest person I know

and I can honestly say I’d be lost without you

 

Together

Two words uttered from your lips

“I’m leaving”

my breath hitched in my chest

words rushed through my mind

an endless swirl of “no’s,” “don’t go,” and “please don’t leave.”

I hear my self say

“I won’t talk you into staying

I’ve done that 4 other times

I want you to be happy, healthy

and if here isn’t safe anymore – I won’t talk you into staying.”

I want you happy,

I want you healthy,

Even if that isn’t here,

Even if that isn’t with me

I went home

after hearing your heart,

your truth,

your reality

I sat on the edge of my bed

and watched as tears stained my jeans

You made a statement,

“Now I know what you feel”

My heart broke completely

I don’t want you to know what I feel

not with this

If I could save you from this

dear God I would

I’d take all that pain

all that angst away

I don’t want you to feel this

to struggle with this

but the reality is that you are

life isn’t perfect

as beautiful, gentle, and good-hearted as you are

you find yourself stuck and in a dark place

So where do we go from here?

We go forward

however slowly

one day

one moment

one breath

one second

one heartbeat

together

you’re never alone in this journey

I’m right here with you

I’ll make you a deal

I will stay in this game called life

if you will too

Together

We’ll conquer life

I’m always in your corner

a support,

a safe place,

a heart always toward you

Assimilation

Fight

constantly struggling

against me being me and

me having to please you…

Somehow

no matter what

I’m not exactly living up to what you want

that’s it, you

it always comes back to you

What you want

don’t want

what you need

don’t need

how I make you look, feel, what I do for you

I ask for a moment alone

time with a friend

time to rest

a day to be me

and you explode!

into a million fiery insults,

a puddle of anxiety,

suddenly you can’t exist without me…

a part of me feels

wanted

needed

important

but this other part of me feels trapped

used

controlled

imprisoned by you

I hate that feeling

because I honestly care,

there’s goodness there between us

but  I don’t know if its enough

to be worth me sacrificing

all of me

and be assimilated by you

Overthinking

Those that know me best

are cognizant of my constant mental processing

Continually thinking, in a never ending cycle

Normally those near and dear are telling me to stop

“don’t overthink it.”

I hate those words, detest them with everything in me

“Don’t overthink” is like saying “don’t let your heart beat”… impossible

I have learned that overthinking isn’t always a bad thing

Tonight for instance I found you on my mind

a part of my internal ramblings

I have learned within my life

that one of the best ways to avoid deep stings of pain

is too not look at the sources from where it can come

Thats what I’ve done

For two months now I’ve looked away

from what I knew would hurt the most

Looked away from what you had and I wanted

I didn’t want you, not like that

that’s why I never pursued it

but I did (I do) want what you have

So I looked away because it hurt too much to witness

Tonight I stopped looking away

and stared straight at the very thing I’ve been avoiding

I saw you

as lovely and sweet as ever

I saw you with your love

I saw you happy

That one moment cut through everything

you happy was all I needed to see

in order to finally let you go

and own your life’s destiny

I won’t overthink this one

I won’t fight

I’ll let it be

and walk away

so you can be you

and I can be me

Louder


Love the voice of my redemption, restoration, the battle cry of my resurrection… you save me from my inner torment, when I don’t know if I can keep going you call to me once again. Ever deeper, ever knowing, ever consuming. 

You

I let you in

I knew better

I knew your truth: the good & the bad

I looked past your darkest points

because at all times I see your beauty:

goodness

that tender heart that has won me completely

But here I stand

holding my broken heart in my hands

you’ve crushed me

broken me in ways I never saw coming

I don’t let people close

but I let you

and now I’m the one being punished

I’m the one trying not to fall apart

because I’ve lost you

You’ve traded in our friendship for someone new

You broke me

and in the midst of all this pain, torment, torture

I still find myself loving you

wanting to make sure you’re okay

I hate that

I hate that you’ve torn me apart

and yet I still love you