I need to know why
That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why
Why did that happen?
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be normal?
Why can’t I not be a statistic?
Why, why, why?
Why did you leave?
Why do you love me?
Why do you see good in me?
Why, why, why?
This one word consumes my brain constantly
I can never escape it
When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?
I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against.
Slowly it erodes away my sanity
like a breathy whisper against my neck
on my arm
ghosting across my fingers
pressing gently against the small of my back
sets me on fire
being with you
is my favorite part of the week
i love sneaking glances
catching your eye
lingering on the walk to your car
losing count of how many times
our hands touch
until finally a shoulder bump leads to your hand in mine
I’m lost in the feel of your skin
i can feel your pulse pounding through your palm
what must mine feel like?
probably like I’m having a heart attack
because I think I am
It’s time for goodbye
I hate this moment
you let go of my hand and I feel empty
suddenly it’s hand on stomach
neck, gently pulling me down
until my lips meet yours
like a breathy whisper against my neck
you undo me
I keep reminding myself it’s okay to be broken
And then another piece of me crumbles
Suddenly brokenness seems as death personified
I lay crumpled in a heap
Disbelieving that I can continue breathing
Slowly an inhalation passes past my lips
I find myself gathering the few remaining pieces of me
Slowly I rise into what can be described as an almost standing position
I rally all my strength to take a trembling step forward
Little by little
I move toward my hopeful horizon
Only to find another piece of me breaking
Then the cycle starts all over again
One day my breath will cease
And my hopeful horizon will meet the evening fade to midnight black
I’m pretty sure this obsession (addiction?) has swallowed me whole.
In the beginning I could still see me, my heart, my goodness.
Now, now there is nothing that resembles me anymore.
Just filth, pure lust laden muck now resides in what used to be me.
I no longer recognize the girl looking back at me from the mirror.
The goodness is gone, the remnants now only a hollow shell.
If only I could have seen this reality at the beginning.
I never would have played, never would have flirted, and never would have crossed that line.
I would have run away; sprinted to the nearest exit, would have treated this as the leprosy that it truly is.
But I didn’t and now I find myself consumed by this flesh-eating disease.
It slowly ate away at me bit-by-bit, piece-by-piece, until it finally reached its intended target, my heart.
I thought I could fight it or at least keep my heart safe from it.
Now I know that was foolish logic, for nothing can protect flesh from pure acid.
Everything corrodes eventually when caught in relentless prolonged exposure.
Is the heart redeemable, can the flesh be saved, cured, reclaimed?
I fear I have lost it forever, that it is beyond the touch of healing.
Consumed by obsession if only I knew this would be the consequence.
Caught at the crossroads of, “do I fight it or finally completely succumb to its seductive call?”
Is there hope or did I willingly give away my freedom, my life?
Is my existence to remain a zombie forever?
How I wish I knew.
You looked so small today.
Like all the weight you’ve been carrying
was finally starting to defeat you.
Your sloped shoulders
and wearied face
shouted of your smallness.
Those normally radiant brown eyes of yours
we’re dark and forlorn.
Not yet vacant, but most distinctly pained.
Where are you my love?
Where are you?
Because you are not here with me,
right now in the moment.
You are somewhere else,
somewhere dark and crushing.
Oh my little bird, let me help you.
tell me where you are.
Tell me what you need.
Take my love.
Take my strength.
Take whatever you need.
So that you can be big again.
I broke today
in a room of known strangers
15 sets of eyes
gazed on me
as I confessed my deepest secret
I’ve lost hope
tears filled my eyes
as I fought back the sobs
springing forth from the depths of me
no one was to know this reality
but the question asked was so pointed
I couldn’t hold back my honesty
confession is said to be good for the soul
but this reveal brought no release
only stacks of shame
this once heroine
stood there amidst onlookers
now nothing more than a shattered figurine
the truth was out
my identity was a shambles
my once residual strength a farce
I was nothing but a million fractured pieces
Standing on the stoop
dripping from the downpour
released from this unrelenting storm
With drenched curls plastered against my face
I wait for an answer
a sign that someone inside
has heard my pleading knock
As I stand there with clothing suctioned to me
I ask myself why am I here?
The answer thunders in my mind
as a deep-set rumble echoes in the sky
You needed a safe place
a friendly face
a loving embrace.
Ugh, why am I so needy?
I should be here with my mind focused on you
Your well-being. Not me.
A body stands behind the door slowly it opens
I hear myself apologizing for the late hour
asking if you are there
“Nope. Not here.”
I nod my head
hand over the pad of paper I have somehow kept dry in the surrounding down pour
I turn on my heel
head back into the raging torrents
loneliness engulfs me
penetrating far deeper than the rain
it is here that I see as much as I try to resist it
I am a misfit
So out of place
into an ever-deepening forest
unsure of how to get beyond
these dense dark surroundings
the streams of exterior light
all hints of the outside world
the path home a receding reality
it’s just me
in these harsh woods
my only companion
the fading light
of my weakening hope
i call out to my Saviour,
“save me from what I cannot see!
bring me home to rest against thee!”
the response a whispering wind, rustling through the trees
here i am, all sources gone
wandering in the forest, looking for home