One Word

Why?

I need to know why

That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why

Why did that happen?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Why can’t I not be a statistic?

Why, why, why?

Why did you leave?

Why do you love me?

Why do you see good in me?

Why, why, why?

This one word consumes my brain constantly 

I can never escape it

When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?

I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against. 

Slowly it erodes away my sanity

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Undo Me

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

your hand

on my arm

ghosting across my fingers

pressing gently against the small of my back

sets me on fire

being with you

is my favorite part of the week

i love sneaking glances

catching your eye

sly smirks

flirtatious winks

lingering on the walk to your car

losing count of how many times

our hands touch

until finally a shoulder bump leads to your hand in mine

I’m lost in the feel of your skin

i can feel your pulse pounding through your palm

what must mine feel like?

probably like I’m having a heart attack

because I think I am

It’s time for goodbye

I hate this moment

you let go of my hand and I feel empty

suddenly it’s hand on stomach

shoulder

neck, gently pulling me down

until my lips meet yours

warm

reassuring

tingles

like a breathy whisper against my neck

you undo me

Midnight Black

I keep reminding myself it’s okay to be broken

And then another piece of me crumbles

Suddenly brokenness seems as death personified 

I lay crumpled in a heap

Disbelieving that I can continue breathing

Slowly an inhalation passes past my lips

Then another

And another

I find myself gathering the few remaining pieces of me

Slowly I rise into what can be described as an almost standing position

I rally all my strength to take a trembling step forward

Little by little 

I move toward my hopeful horizon

Only to find another piece of me breaking

Then the cycle starts all over again

One day my breath will cease

And my hopeful horizon will meet the evening fade to midnight black

Finding You

Finding you

I realize

is what

I desperately

need

 

So lost

frozen

overwhelmed

 

I have lost you

and in doing so

have lost me too

 

My own heart

seems to be

disconnected

from my very body

desolation

my only companion

hope

an obscured myth

 

Desperately

I look for you

because you

are my

last chance

we both know

I’m dying

teetering

on the edge

of pulling a trigger

I can never

recover from

 

Finding you

is now

my only hope

but in reality

it always has been

Obsession

I’m pretty sure this obsession (addiction?) has swallowed me whole.
In the beginning I could still see me, my heart, my goodness.
Now, now there is nothing that resembles me anymore.
Just filth, pure lust laden muck now resides in what used to be me.
I no longer recognize the girl looking back at me from the mirror.
The goodness is gone, the remnants now only a hollow shell.

If only I could have seen this reality at the beginning.
I never would have played, never would have flirted, and never would have crossed that line.
I would have run away; sprinted to the nearest exit, would have treated this as the leprosy that it truly is.
But I didn’t and now I find myself consumed by this flesh-eating disease.

It slowly ate away at me bit-by-bit, piece-by-piece, until it finally reached its intended target, my heart.
I thought I could fight it or at least keep my heart safe from it.
Now I know that was foolish logic, for nothing can protect flesh from pure acid.
Everything corrodes eventually when caught in relentless prolonged exposure.

Is the heart redeemable, can the flesh be saved, cured, reclaimed?
I fear I have lost it forever, that it is beyond the touch of healing.
Consumed by obsession if only I knew this would be the consequence.

Caught at the crossroads of, “do I fight it or finally completely succumb to its seductive call?”
Is there hope or did I willingly give away my freedom, my life?
Is my existence to remain a zombie forever?
How I wish I knew.

Here Now

You looked so small today.
Like all the weight you’ve been carrying
was finally starting to defeat you.

Your sloped shoulders
and wearied face
shouted of your smallness.

Those normally radiant brown eyes of yours
we’re dark and forlorn.
Not yet vacant, but most distinctly pained.

Where are you my love?
Where are you?
Because you are not here with me,
right now in the moment.
You are somewhere else,
somewhere dark and crushing.

Oh my little bird, let me help you.
Tell me,
tell me where you are.
Tell me what you need.

Take my love.
Take my strength.
Take whatever you need.
So that you can be big again.

Sunday Meetings

I broke today

in a room of known strangers

15 sets of eyes

gazed on me

as I confessed my deepest secret

I’ve lost hope

tears filled my eyes

as I fought back the sobs

springing forth from the depths of me

no one was to know this reality

but the question asked was so pointed

I couldn’t hold back my honesty

confession is said to be good for the soul

but this reveal brought no release

only stacks of shame

this once heroine

stood there amidst onlookers

now nothing more than a shattered figurine

the truth was out

my identity was a shambles

my once residual strength a farce

I was nothing but a million fractured pieces

The Stoop

Standing on the stoop

dripping from the downpour

released from this unrelenting storm

With drenched curls plastered against my face

I wait for an answer

a sign that someone inside

has heard my pleading knock

As I stand there with clothing suctioned to me

I ask myself why am I here?

The answer thunders in my mind

as a deep-set rumble echoes in the sky

You needed a safe place

a friendly face

a loving embrace.

Ugh, why am I so needy?

I should be here with my mind focused on you

Your well-being. Not me.

A body stands behind the door slowly it opens

I hear myself apologizing for the late hour

asking if you are there

“Nope. Not here.”

I nod my head

hand over the pad of paper I have somehow kept dry in the surrounding down pour

I turn on my heel

head back into the raging torrents

loneliness engulfs me

penetrating far deeper than the rain

it is here that I see as much as I try to resist it

I am a misfit

So out of place

lost

all alone
wandering
stumbling helplessly
into an ever-deepening forest

unsure of how to get beyond
these dense dark surroundings

the streams of exterior light
extinguished
all hints of the outside world
gone, vanished
the path home a receding reality

it’s just me
in these harsh woods
my only companion
the fading light
of my weakening hope

i call out to my Saviour,
“save me from what I cannot see!
bring me home to rest against thee!”
the response a whispering wind, rustling through the trees

here i am, all sources gone
lost alone
wandering in the forest, looking for home