Touches

Everyone has pain

Those are the words I hear echo through my mind as I look in your eyes

Everyone has pain

No life goes untouched from loss

Or grief

From smothered hope

Or crushed dreams

Everyone has pain

When your purpose escapes your grasp

Or when you think you’ve finally found your happy place

Until suddenly… poof! It’s gone, ripped away in an instant

Everyone has pain

Some more jagged than others

Some of us carry deeper scars

Some of us nurse non-healing wounds

Some of us are plagued in the night, every moment we close our eyes

Wounds

Pain

Come in all shapes and sizes

Pain is our true equalizer

It doesn’t see color

Creed

Status

Orientation

Pain touches everyone

Don’t let the ache isolate you

Like it does to countless others

Don’t let your pain win

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One Word

Why?

I need to know why

That’s where my anger, my rage, my bottomless pain stems from not knowing why

Why did that happen?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

Why can’t I not be a statistic?

Why, why, why?

Why did you leave?

Why do you love me?

Why do you see good in me?

Why, why, why?

This one word consumes my brain constantly 

I can never escape it

When I crack open and the contents of me rush out… it is instantly followed by that one word, why?

I’m lost in a realm of questions, that I don’t know how to fight against. 

Slowly it erodes away my sanity

Overthinking

Those that know me best

are cognizant of my constant mental processing

Continually thinking, in a never ending cycle

Normally those near and dear are telling me to stop

“don’t overthink it.”

I hate those words, detest them with everything in me

“Don’t overthink” is like saying “don’t let your heart beat”… impossible

I have learned that overthinking isn’t always a bad thing

Tonight for instance I found you on my mind

a part of my internal ramblings

I have learned within my life

that one of the best ways to avoid deep stings of pain

is too not look at the sources from where it can come

Thats what I’ve done

For two months now I’ve looked away

from what I knew would hurt the most

Looked away from what you had and I wanted

I didn’t want you, not like that

that’s why I never pursued it

but I did (I do) want what you have

So I looked away because it hurt too much to witness

Tonight I stopped looking away

and stared straight at the very thing I’ve been avoiding

I saw you

as lovely and sweet as ever

I saw you with your love

I saw you happy

That one moment cut through everything

you happy was all I needed to see

in order to finally let you go

and own your life’s destiny

I won’t overthink this one

I won’t fight

I’ll let it be

and walk away

so you can be you

and I can be me

The Post Learn

I’m learning

About myself 

Others

That not everyone loves the way I do

Or sees things from my 5’10” point of view

I’m learning 

That growth hurts more than anything you can imagine

That strength comes from an experience of pain

That having a huge heart means it gets abused more regularly

I’m learning

It’s okay I’m not perfect

It’s okay that I’m me

It’s okay that I fail

Because

I’m learning…

Still

Midnight Black

I keep reminding myself it’s okay to be broken

And then another piece of me crumbles

Suddenly brokenness seems as death personified 

I lay crumpled in a heap

Disbelieving that I can continue breathing

Slowly an inhalation passes past my lips

Then another

And another

I find myself gathering the few remaining pieces of me

Slowly I rise into what can be described as an almost standing position

I rally all my strength to take a trembling step forward

Little by little 

I move toward my hopeful horizon

Only to find another piece of me breaking

Then the cycle starts all over again

One day my breath will cease

And my hopeful horizon will meet the evening fade to midnight black

Shield

Knees pulled tightly to my chest

in an effort to pull my 5’10” frame

into the smallest ball possible

I haven’t been touched

by another human being for weeks

Now I find myself

in the most desperate embrace

clinging to myself

with a death grip most terrifying

my world quakes and shakes

as I struggle to breathe in

air feels like fire

life feels like suffocation

love feels empty

I wrap my arms tighter

trying to shield my heart

from all that is and isn’t.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I lose myself. Not in anything spectacular, just simply in life in general. I hate it, I hate being so malleable that I can honestly erase who I am and what I stand for simply because life, love, or anything else becomes too overwhelming. That is where I find myself these days… lost. Lost in stress, school, work, friends, family. Who am I anymore?

Forgot

I forgot what this was like

That deep cavernous ache

The one that consumes the all of you

Eating and eroding every good thing within you

Loneliness you bastard

Why must you take all that I love

Why must you condemn me to isolation

Why must you torture me so cruelly

I can’t survive this, not again

I don’t know how to make it through

Content

Contentment

it does exist

next to you

in cool autumn breezes

you know me in all my duplicity

and love me beyond the scope that I can love myself

I’ve been lost

and you’ve reminded me I can be found

You’re the encouragement I often forget I need

You are a calm

a place of solidity

touch of safety

a kiss of warmth

Etched

Hope is a foreign element

to my overwhelmed heart

It’s so alien

so hard to try to capture

let alone hold onto

They say its essential

that without it we die

That’s where I am dying…

Tonight I was rash

Normally, I’m planned, methodical, well-formed

Tonight I knew something had to change

I took hope and etched it into me

into my very flesh

trying to make it a part of me

The pain of hope mixed with my life blood

As I tried to catch my breath

I knew that this was the beginning

of a new

raw

authentic me

Hope will be mine

and I will own it with every breath