Help Me

I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.

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Keep

You keep my heart from dying.

Loneliness eats away at me like a parasitic disease.

At its strongest I feel my very heart start to die within me.

Suffocating, squeezing, consuming…

Yet in the worst of moments I feel you, hear you,  see you.

Your touch on my skin reminding me there is still warmth in the icy tundra of the world.

The words that escape your lips press so deeply into me, like the gentle reassuring pressure of a hand in the small of my back.

I don’t think you realize how you keep me from losing all sanity.

Every interaction, every moment you recognize me as a human being, as more than a mere face in the crowd, you save another part of my heart.

I withstand the abyss because of the love you offer and reinforce me with.

 

Shield

Knees pulled tightly to my chest

in an effort to pull my 5’10” frame

into the smallest ball possible

I haven’t been touched

by another human being for weeks

Now I find myself

in the most desperate embrace

clinging to myself

with a death grip most terrifying

my world quakes and shakes

as I struggle to breathe in

air feels like fire

life feels like suffocation

love feels empty

I wrap my arms tighter

trying to shield my heart

from all that is and isn’t.

Crumble

When it all falls apart

I crumble 

I crumble into you

Realizing so strongly

That I can’t hold it all together

Nor sustain anything

I’ve disillusioned myself

Thinking I am the momentum of my life

When really I am only the being you breathed into motion

I am your kinetic energy not my own

Nothing I do prolongs or keeps me 

Only you

When I surrender 

Allowing myself to crumble into the heaping pile of mess I truly am

I know you are there

With your hand on all the pieces 

Once again 

Fixing me

Until the very end of my days

Pressed Against

Pressed against my lips

I quickly awaken to

the realization 

that you are my saving grace 

The warm life force 

pouring directly into me

freeing me

of my restraints 

and contempt

You move through me

Robust, sweet, limpid 

Nothing else feels like this 

Only you can revive me

So gently, boldly, and unprepossessing 

Pressed against my lips

I quickly find myself in heaven

Change the Gaze

Change the gaze of my eyes
from my humanity
to the reality of You

Beause you are more than my pain
more than my mistakes
You are more than the flaws of me

You are more
You are more than everything in me
You are more
so much more than me

Change the gaze of my eyes
from my humanity
to the reality of You

Beause you are more

The Dark Reality

Darkness called out to me

sensually whispering to me that it was the answer

to everything

my worries

my secret fantasies

my deepest passions

the answer to all of me

Darkness called out to me

trying to coerce my heart

into its languid depths

slowly seducing one piece at a time

using the pain housed within me

as the most lethal weapon

in it’s deathly plan of consumption

Darkness called out to me

assuring that a life of secrets

was the best form of protection

no one would know the truth of me

I could be seen exactly how I wanted to be

all I had to do

was to keep up the illusion

of a double identity

Darkness called out to me

in ways I never before imagined

that I’d never experienced

drawing me in through the areas of my naïveté

leading me to believe I was strong enough

to step into its shadows and remain unscathed

Darkness called out to me

and I listened

believing its sweet crooning’s

following its directions into its inner labyrinths

Darkness calls out to us all

making promises it can never keep

offering protection that’s merely an illusion

once it has us in its belly

it keeps us confused and disoriented

because it knows it is in that state

we fall into desperation, into despair

it is here where darkness consumes us

body and soul

When darkness calls out to you

respond to it with this truth

the light may reveal our shadows

but it also illuminates our hope

and in the end

that is our saving grace

Rapha

Rapha the name of healing

how it calms and releases

peace to this wearied soul

Rapha a name that I cling to

Desperately

Why? You ask

Because you see I

have a sickness

an illness of soul

That only the possessor

of that name can heal

Rapha, the name

that will bring change

to this wearied soul.

Hunted

A monster pursues me,

mercilessly hunting me down.

I’ve tried to escape it,

tried to runaway or fight,

but nothing seems to work.

Every time I dodge away,

there it is beside me again.

I quickly turn around to flee,

only to find it staring me in the face.

All day long I wrestle with the monster,

relentlessly fighting against it.

Some days it begins to devour me,

as it holds me tightly within its grip.

Eventually, causing me to succumb to the power of its torment.

Other days I am able to push it off and escape.

Even when I try to slip into the peaceful oblivion of sleep – I hear its raspy breathing surrounding me on all sides.

My body unwilling shivers,

knowing the monster could overtake me at any moment.

I lie there breathlessly still,

praying that God would save me from this evil.

Knowing all the while that the monster is not without,

but within.

Tears cascade down my face as I plead with God to save me,

from myself.

To rescue me from the monster that I have created.

For He is the only one that can save me.