Louder


Love the voice of my redemption, restoration, the battle cry of my resurrection… you save me from my inner torment, when I don’t know if I can keep going you call to me once again. Ever deeper, ever knowing, ever consuming. 

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Layers

5 layers deep

into my psyche

and you still won’t know the real me

 

15 layers deep

and you’ll see all the fissures

threatening my structural integrity

 

25 layers deep

and you’ll understand

the nightmares that plague me

 

35 layers deep

and maybe you’ll cry

the way I cry myself to sleep

 

45 layers deep

if you see this place

feel privileged

for this is my inner sanctum

 

You judge me on my outer layer

but you honestly have no idea who I am

what swirls inside this core

 

You try to conform

physical features

and ignore

a soul, a heart, a mind

you’ve forgotten the fragile person

underneath that tough exterior

Love?

Love

You used to be so easy for me

So cleansing

Open

All encompassing

The only thing that could rid me of shame

Clothe me in grace

And ransom my shackled heart

But now

You are so complicated

Rending

Destructive

Before

When the world made sense

I knew who I was

What I was

How I was to be

Then in one simple moment

I was given permission

By another

By myself

To be the real me

Now I find myself lost

In a sea of ink

I’m lost for words

As to who I truly am

Lost in how

I’ve been abandoned by love

It’s no longer open

Instead its exacting

Redacting

Restrictive

If you fall into its parameters

You’re free

For those of us who are outside its expectations

The ones “not living up to their potential”

Those who no longer match the crowd

How do we come to terms with being banished

From the realm of true love?

Secret Keepers

My iPhone and I are

Secret keepers

If only people knew the contents we both keep

Heartache

Shame

Regrets

Struggles

the secrets that are always spoken in the faintest of whispers within darkness

Everyone knows I guard that IPhone with my life

but no one knows the real reason why…

I guard the hearts

of the secret speakers

 

Keep

You keep my heart from dying.

Loneliness eats away at me like a parasitic disease.

At its strongest I feel my very heart start to die within me.

Suffocating, squeezing, consuming…

Yet in the worst of moments I feel you, hear you,  see you.

Your touch on my skin reminding me there is still warmth in the icy tundra of the world.

The words that escape your lips press so deeply into me, like the gentle reassuring pressure of a hand in the small of my back.

I don’t think you realize how you keep me from losing all sanity.

Every interaction, every moment you recognize me as a human being, as more than a mere face in the crowd, you save another part of my heart.

I withstand the abyss because of the love you offer and reinforce me with.

 

Shield

Knees pulled tightly to my chest

in an effort to pull my 5’10” frame

into the smallest ball possible

I haven’t been touched

by another human being for weeks

Now I find myself

in the most desperate embrace

clinging to myself

with a death grip most terrifying

my world quakes and shakes

as I struggle to breathe in

air feels like fire

life feels like suffocation

love feels empty

I wrap my arms tighter

trying to shield my heart

from all that is and isn’t.

Regrets

there are days where I stop

Take a moment and look over the people in my life (both past and present)

And sinkingly realize how I’ve been stingy with the love I’ve given

I look at faces and see how I haven’t loved well

How so and so deserved/s more than what I’ve given

I regret that I’m not more

that I haven’t been what others have needed

I regret my failed heart, selfish needs, and resistance to the hurting

Regrets do I have any?

Gosh so many and they all have a name, a face, a soul…

Caught

Between

Suddenly realizing

That I was

Caught

In the middle of you two

On the highway

At my job

In random questions

I hate this

but love you

Caught

It’s killing me

to be trapped in between

neither of you care

As I speed past you both

trying to escape the pressure

find my safe place again

I know

that tomorrow will bring

this trapped torment once again

I just need a moment

to escape you both

 

Forgot

I forgot what this was like

That deep cavernous ache

The one that consumes the all of you

Eating and eroding every good thing within you

Loneliness you bastard

Why must you take all that I love

Why must you condemn me to isolation

Why must you torture me so cruelly

I can’t survive this, not again

I don’t know how to make it through

Content

Contentment

it does exist

next to you

in cool autumn breezes

you know me in all my duplicity

and love me beyond the scope that I can love myself

I’ve been lost

and you’ve reminded me I can be found

You’re the encouragement I often forget I need

You are a calm

a place of solidity

touch of safety

a kiss of warmth