Shambles

Realizing I’m breaking

in new places

deeper ways than ever before

the core of me: rattles, shakes, splits

I am but dust amongst broken remnants

all of me swirls

in a rage

a torment

of feelings

definitions

I don’t know how to make sense of anything

I don’t know who I am anymore

I don’t know anything

lost in my own shambles

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Overthinking

Those that know me best

are cognizant of my constant mental processing

Continually thinking, in a never ending cycle

Normally those near and dear are telling me to stop

“don’t overthink it.”

I hate those words, detest them with everything in me

“Don’t overthink” is like saying “don’t let your heart beat”… impossible

I have learned that overthinking isn’t always a bad thing

Tonight for instance I found you on my mind

a part of my internal ramblings

I have learned within my life

that one of the best ways to avoid deep stings of pain

is too not look at the sources from where it can come

Thats what I’ve done

For two months now I’ve looked away

from what I knew would hurt the most

Looked away from what you had and I wanted

I didn’t want you, not like that

that’s why I never pursued it

but I did (I do) want what you have

So I looked away because it hurt too much to witness

Tonight I stopped looking away

and stared straight at the very thing I’ve been avoiding

I saw you

as lovely and sweet as ever

I saw you with your love

I saw you happy

That one moment cut through everything

you happy was all I needed to see

in order to finally let you go

and own your life’s destiny

I won’t overthink this one

I won’t fight

I’ll let it be

and walk away

so you can be you

and I can be me

Good for You

I don’t think I’m good for you
I want to be
I want to be one of your answers
To be the one to rescue you
To save you from you
But thats the problem
I save you from your pain, from your consequences, from the things that will cause you to grow
I want whats best for you
to help you reach your potential
to make sure you’re safe
I know myself well enough
to know that I will protect you
with everything within me
but is that good for you?
we talked about being toxic
and I think the truth is
that I’m toxic for you
in my effort to help I’ve gotten in the way
I’m no longer helping
I’m actually hurting you
and all I want is whatever is
Good for You
Even if its not me
because I love you
more than I love me

You

I let you in

I knew better

I knew your truth: the good & the bad

I looked past your darkest points

because at all times I see your beauty:

goodness

that tender heart that has won me completely

But here I stand

holding my broken heart in my hands

you’ve crushed me

broken me in ways I never saw coming

I don’t let people close

but I let you

and now I’m the one being punished

I’m the one trying not to fall apart

because I’ve lost you

You’ve traded in our friendship for someone new

You broke me

and in the midst of all this pain, torment, torture

I still find myself loving you

wanting to make sure you’re okay

I hate that

I hate that you’ve torn me apart

and yet I still love you

The Post Learn

I’m learning

About myself 

Others

That not everyone loves the way I do

Or sees things from my 5’10” point of view

I’m learning 

That growth hurts more than anything you can imagine

That strength comes from an experience of pain

That having a huge heart means it gets abused more regularly

I’m learning

It’s okay I’m not perfect

It’s okay that I’m me

It’s okay that I fail

Because

I’m learning…

Still

Layers

5 layers deep

into my psyche

and you still won’t know the real me

 

15 layers deep

and you’ll see all the fissures

threatening my structural integrity

 

25 layers deep

and you’ll understand

the nightmares that plague me

 

35 layers deep

and maybe you’ll cry

the way I cry myself to sleep

 

45 layers deep

if you see this place

feel privileged

for this is my inner sanctum

 

You judge me on my outer layer

but you honestly have no idea who I am

what swirls inside this core

 

You try to conform

physical features

and ignore

a soul, a heart, a mind

you’ve forgotten the fragile person

underneath that tough exterior

Love?

Love

You used to be so easy for me

So cleansing

Open

All encompassing

The only thing that could rid me of shame

Clothe me in grace

And ransom my shackled heart

But now

You are so complicated

Rending

Destructive

Before

When the world made sense

I knew who I was

What I was

How I was to be

Then in one simple moment

I was given permission

By another

By myself

To be the real me

Now I find myself lost

In a sea of ink

I’m lost for words

As to who I truly am

Lost in how

I’ve been abandoned by love

It’s no longer open

Instead its exacting

Redacting

Restrictive

If you fall into its parameters

You’re free

For those of us who are outside its expectations

The ones “not living up to their potential”

Those who no longer match the crowd

How do we come to terms with being banished

From the realm of true love?

Midnight Black

I keep reminding myself it’s okay to be broken

And then another piece of me crumbles

Suddenly brokenness seems as death personified 

I lay crumpled in a heap

Disbelieving that I can continue breathing

Slowly an inhalation passes past my lips

Then another

And another

I find myself gathering the few remaining pieces of me

Slowly I rise into what can be described as an almost standing position

I rally all my strength to take a trembling step forward

Little by little 

I move toward my hopeful horizon

Only to find another piece of me breaking

Then the cycle starts all over again

One day my breath will cease

And my hopeful horizon will meet the evening fade to midnight black

Keep

You keep my heart from dying.

Loneliness eats away at me like a parasitic disease.

At its strongest I feel my very heart start to die within me.

Suffocating, squeezing, consuming…

Yet in the worst of moments I feel you, hear you,  see you.

Your touch on my skin reminding me there is still warmth in the icy tundra of the world.

The words that escape your lips press so deeply into me, like the gentle reassuring pressure of a hand in the small of my back.

I don’t think you realize how you keep me from losing all sanity.

Every interaction, every moment you recognize me as a human being, as more than a mere face in the crowd, you save another part of my heart.

I withstand the abyss because of the love you offer and reinforce me with.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes, I lose myself. Not in anything spectacular, just simply in life in general. I hate it, I hate being so malleable that I can honestly erase who I am and what I stand for simply because life, love, or anything else becomes too overwhelming. That is where I find myself these days… lost. Lost in stress, school, work, friends, family. Who am I anymore?