I never thought my 28th year would start quite like this. I wanted happiness, purpose, love, companionship, pretty much all the stuff that everyone else wants. This week has been one of the hardest for me; I’ve been attempting to traverse through heartbreak and lets just say it’s been difficult. There has been a lot of change and transition lately and I’ve hated it, quaked in its reality, and struggled with the “newness” I’ve experienced. This time has brought on a lot of contemplation; a lot of moments of assessing where I am and where I had hoped I’d be.
I have to say I didn’t expect to be here. To be in the midst of heartbreak, on the edge of breaking, feeling a million miles from home. This morning when I woke up my first thought was “ugh, this cold. I still can’t breathe.” Then I let my mind drift and realized that all those things I wanted to have in life, I do. Maybe not exactly how I envisioned to have them but I do still have them.
Companionship: I’m very discerning and picky when it comes to the people I surround myself with in life. The ones I have right now are of the highest quality and caliber which I need profoundly. I long for companionship because I don’t want to be alone, and I am finally coming to see that I’m not alone.
Love: I have always longed for this substance in my life, constantly seeking and pursuing it. I think the problem has been that I’ve always wanted to see it in big gestures and monumental experiences; however, love comes in a million tiny little ways. It is in hello’s paired with genuine smiles, small gentle touches, encouraging words, birthday breakfasts, cards, homemade gifts, and simple statements of love. I am surrounded by love, daily imbued by it, and gently reminded of its presence.
Purpose: This is the one that gets sketchy. It is hard to know your purpose in the midst of the mundane. It is hard not to get discouraged and feel slightly pointless. Even though I don’t see my purpose everyday, or all the time, I do know that I am working toward part of my created purpose as best I know how… and right now that is enough. I love people as best I know how, I love God with all that I have, and everyday I try to make a difference even if it is just for one soul.
Happiness: Is a dependent emotion, it is greatly influenced by both circumstance and happenstance. I feel that greatly in life, I’m not always happy because life gets hard and difficult and I just don’t “feel” happy. I have learned that there is more to life than happiness. Sometimes you won’t feel happy, but life isn’t about that… it’s about hope, love, joy. It’s about the things that are sustaining that have the potential to endure all things. So happiness, I have it occasionally but I know the source of the greater sustaining elements. There is more to life than happiness and I am so thankful for that.
So this birthday isn’t what I thought it would be but even in the change, in the bittersweet, in the little heartbreaks, happy blips, and sweet moments there is love, and in the end that’s all I want every birthday, every year, every day… to be loved. This day, this new beginning of 28 I know that I am exactly that loved by a multitude far greater than I realize.